drive so fast

Kyle asked Jonah where he wants to go on his mission. Jonah said Germany so he can drive on the autobon.

jonah's complaints

We are over at cousin Ethan's house playing (after Brooklyn's blessing). Kyle tells Jonah that it's time to go home. Jonah wails out, "But why does Ethan get to stay."

Jonah says, "Mom, can I have a juice box?" I say, "yes." Before I can finish the "s" on "yes", Jonah wails out, "Buuuut Violet haaaassss onnnne." Hmmm. Either Jonah complains WAY TOO MUCH or I say NO way too much. Probably a bit of both is true.

We've been talking a lot lately about being grateful and expressing it. The boys have been practicing and Jonah is learning. He thanks me for stuff all the time when I least expect it. But I can't say, that I don't still hear the occasional Jonah wail....hey that's what got him into the whale.

A little goat

Mrs. Asay is looking at the book I put together for her since she is retiring. It was so fun to do this project and to see her feel some reward for being a good teacher for so many years.


Seth was a goat in a small class play. He was so Seth in his little part. Everytime I see those paper goat ears laying around the house, I smile to myself.

babies

Eric (my older brother) and Melissa have a new baby boy, Wade. Isn't Eric a HANDSOME CUTIE? And Wade is too. We're looking forward to going to California to see them in September.

My parents picked Eric up from a hospital in Mexico over 30 years ago. Maybe I'll adopt a little hispanic boy or girl in a few years! As I've grown up, I realize how awesome my parents are. They've done so many cool things in their lifetime and they don't live within any prescribed box. Collectively, they have lived in France, Germany, Mexico, and Taiwan. My mom has just been called on a service mission to work at the church unemployment center. Unfortunately, I'm sure that place is swamped right now. She'll be working 20 hours a week there and then substitute teaching on her off days. My Dad still travels the world. He's over marketing for a small airline that does grand canyon tours (VisionHolidays).


Josh and Maya (Kyle's sister) had their first girl, Brooklyn. She is beautiful! We enjoyed her blessing last Sunday in their ward.

Seth's Birthday

Seth turned 7 on Sunday! For his party, he invited two friends (Julian Romano and Alex Neil) over for cake and to see Ice Age 3 (in 3D) in the theater. They boys chanted "Ice age 3 in 3D, Ice Age 3 in 3D" as we were going into the theater. They ate popcorn, wore their big 3D glasses and loved the movie. It was full of dinosaurs, lava, and plenty of good boy material.


We got the Wii for Seth's birthday!


We have been playing it way too much ever since!

Swimming

We have been swimming so much this summer! I love being outside with the kids, the easy entertainment, and wearing them out day after day. I'm not going to edit much here - I want ALL these pictures in my blog record!


Jonah, Seth, and Violet


Kyle and violet


Violet is sweet on the chair.


Digging a hole to bury Jonah.


Jonah gets in.


Jonah is buried.


Violet loves the sandy bottom.



Jonah can swim!


Jonah plays in the sand.


Me and Violet.


Violet and Jonah




Violet gets lots of Daddy time.


Violet on Dad's back again.


Mr. Seth is a good swimmer!

Pizza and Repentance

We went to small pizza parlor one night for dinner and somehow started talking about baptism while we ate. I asked Seth and Jonah why we are baptized. They focused on having our sins washed away. I think it is fascinating, even for a young child, to think about sins being washed away. Children know they make mistakes and make wrong choices sometimes. Then the boys asked if we can be baptized again. Meaning later when they've chalked up a few more sins. I told them they don't need to because they can repent. I reassured them that everyone makes mistakes. We just try our best and repent.

Jonah asked, "How?" I started to talk about praying to Heavenly Father and saying sorry, etc. He stopped me and said again, "How?" So then I talked about the Atonement and how Jesus Christ suffered for our sins and He can take our sins away so we are clean again. Jonah said, "But Mom, HOW does it WORK? How does it Wooooork?" I had to stop and think. What is this kid asking? Kyle just looked at me and said, "you're doing great." I think what Jonah wanted to know was, how does the atonement literally transfer over into my body and soul and clean my sin away? I don't have an answer to his question other than to agree that, yes, repentance and the atonement are REAL. There is literally something that happens just like at baptism. I think baptism is such a visual thing and so Jonah could understand how that could wash away sin. He figures there must be something similar - real and physical every time we repent. And I think there is!

Seth in 1st Grade

Seth is almost a second grader. He has year round school this year so we're still pushing forward until August. His teacher, Mrs. Asay, is retiring this year. I am putting together a special book for her with messages from other teachers, principals, parents, students, and family. It has been amazing to read the messages. She has had an impact on many lives.



Today was cowboy day in Seth's class. He shared a picture of his Great Grandpa Lewis who is a real cowboy in Cowley Wyoming. When we arrived to school before the gates opened (a first, I'm sure) Seth wanted to practice showing his picture. He talked about how Grandpa Lewis rides horses, has sheep, and how Seth found a sheep bone on the farm. Also, yesterday when I gave Seth the picture and explained to him what a great grandpa is (Grandpa Lewis' Dad) Seth asked, "Is he my Step-Dad?" Kyle and I are both fortunate enough to have parents who are still married, so I guess Seth heard about the step-dad thing at school.

temple time

Mark received his call to the Montana, Billings mission. Yay! It was so wonderful to go to the temple with him and almost the whole Lewis family (just Michael is left)! What a good looking family. It was an unforgettable day. I think everything is different in the temple. Better. More love. More prayer. More thoughts of Heavenly Father's plan of happiness. A reminder that this kind of joy and happiness with family is far better than any worldly pleasure.

follow-up

As a follow up on "the soloist" I have to add that I don't have any idea what would be the best thing for those who suffer with severe mental illness like my brother does. I DO understand why they don't stay on medication (side effects). And I don't know that force is the best thing! Force is definitely awful, yet it is miraculous to see them come out of psychosis. Ideally, once a patient is out of psychosis they could be placed somewhere more long term - not like the mental hospitals of the past and emphasis on long term not FOREVER. I'm thinking more of a group home environment where they have more freedom to leave and go but they are required to have someone watch them take meds. Then if the meds are causing problems they have someone to talk to and see a doctor and make changes. Over and over until it's something they can live with. I saw something like this on that PBS special I mentioned, and I loved it. Obviously money is a huge problem. This genetic illness is very likely passed on in my genetic code, and so I can't help but think, What would I want for my own child, or grandchild? I'm NOT planning on dealing with this as a parent, but it has crossed my mind. On the bright side, there are more and more success stories with today's medications. I think seeing a really good doctor right away would be essential to that success. Partly because over time, schizophrenia can cause the mind to deteriorate (for example cognition).

the soloist

Kyle and I saw "The Soloist" in theaters last weekend. I wasn't sure what to expect. I have a brother with severe mental illness (schizo-affective bipolar. I'm sure some doctors would give him a full schizophrenia diagnosis...but I'd like to think not). So anyway, a part of me was intrigued with this movie and the possibility of the public being educated about mental illness. That's a good thing. And a part of me thought maybe I could steal a good cathartic cry from this movie. Yes, it has been more than painful to see my brother, Paul, suffer and my parents likewise. Paul is very much like the man in the movie. He was a very successful young man. Paul served a mission for our church and held the position of Assistant to the President (AP). Which I only say to show a specific instance which clearly illustrates that he has not been crazy his whole life. He was capable, funny, and talented. He is still a very talented artist and his art is the one thing that I believe has kept him alive. He has a very, very hard life. On his art blog there is a depiction of himself titled, "abnormal self." So sad. His art is amazing..some say there is a fine line between genius and crazy. That's paul. For some reason, I can't get a link in right here to his blog, but his link is on my sidebar under family links.

The movie could have been more compelling, but I enjoyed it because of my personal interest in mental illness. I thought it was a very accurate depiction of mental illness. My parents have said many times that they worry Paul will be homeless someday. He needs a place where he is watched carefully (legally bound) and given meds and other medical care for a long term of time. Then with long term success with meds and with sure signs of stability, Paul (and others) could venture out on their own and live their "free" life. These places just don't exist because of the focus on freedom and rights. I heard a wise person say on a recent PBS special that yes, these individuals are "free" to roam the streets. But are they really experiencing freedom when they have a delusional mind (not on meds). In any case, it's very discouraging, just like the movie portrays. There's not much you can do with a person who refuses medication and is paranoid of everything. I thought the scene where his mom is trying to care for him and feed him "poisoned" soup was well done.

I thought it was sad to see so much of the homeless: the lowliest of people. I realize there are homeless individuals who have chosen that life and are responsible for themselves. But I think there are MANY who are weak and helpless like the movie depicted. Two nights ago I read this scripture in the Book of Mormon,

1 Nephi 13: 42
And the time cometh that he shall manifest himself unto all nations, both unto the Jews and also unto the Gentiles; and after he has manifested himself unto the Jews and also unto the Gentiles, then he shall manifest himself unto the Gentiles and also unto the Jews, and the last shall be first, and the first shall be last.

I have always thought that "the last shall be first" could be applied to the homeless and all the lowliest of people. They are God's children. They have the same potential as the most successful person on earth. They will be healed. They can be EXALTED! I just LOVE that.

kiddie quips

Jonah came to me and asked if he could play a batman game that he saw on a commercial on TV. I said, "No, we're not going to buy that." So later that day I told him he could go upstairs and play computer games. Seth and Jonah play pbskids.org all the time. It's on my favorites list, and they know where to go and how to get to the games. So after some time I headed upstairs to check on him. He's was playing a batman game! I was so surprised. I asked him HOW he did this. He said, "I googled it." So I took him to the google page and asked him to show me what he did. He typed in this: batmangams. I couldn't believe it. Jonah (4 years old when this happened..now 5) feels no boundaries to what he can do - he doesn't feel held back by anything. If he has a want or a need, he thinks why not figure it out myself and make it happen.

Just today Jonah asked me if we still have birthdays after we die. Sometimes kids have crazy questions and it's hard to know what to say. I thought this was a cute one. What kid can imagine heaven without birthday parties. I'm sure we will have plenty of parties :).

Kyle was in his home office working on the computer. He was frustrated because he couldn't find the cordless mouse. Kyle said, "Wheeeere is the mouse?" Violet was nearby and answered , "Snake ate it." (we have a pet snake)

For my birthday my mother-in-law and sisters-in-law came over for lunch and cake. All the kids and adults were served cake and were happily eating away when we hear Violet shout from her high chair, "Hey, I want cake." We had forgotten to serve her cake. It was funny - especially the "hey" part, but maybe you had to be there. Or maybe it's just cuz I'm her mom!

Easter

I can feel violet's baby/toddler stage slipping away quickly so that's my excuse for indulging in so many pics of her!



The Lewis cousins had an egg hunt and Gran had also placed pinwheels in the bushes for them to find.









Michael is showing Seth his air gun. It shoots a blast of air across the room. They loved getting Violet and I and seeing our hair get blasted by their good shot.

Tent Time

Tents, Forts, and Tree Houses are the coolest. Seth just asked me how to spell, "Club", so he and Jonah must be up to something. I wonder if girls (Violet) are allowed.

mud soup

Jonah made mud soup in the backyard today. Spring weather is wonderful!

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Get Some Free Counseling Here

My friend from college, Mary, recently had a really good post that shares some things she has learned from counseling. I thought it was great. Mary was my roommate at the Elms Apartments after Melissa went on a mission. So here's Mary...


Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda
Good evening! Let me step up on my soapbox of sorts for a few minutes. This phrase represents a very prevalent mindset for many people. However, since I am unqualified to speak for any more than myself, I will personalize it and you may do the same for yourself, if you wish.

Regret and guilt are too often the defining factors in my self respect and attitude toward life. I repeatedly and progressively feel the weight of all the things I should have done and should be doing if only; all the things I could have been or could be if only; and all the degrading justifications in the would have beens or would be if only. Some examples include, I shouldn't yell at my kids. I should be a better visiting teacher. I should make dinner. I could have been really good at the piano if I had practiced more. I would have gotten better grades if I had studied more and not played so much. I could have come out of college with less debt if I had practiced better financial restraint. I would be more productive if I got up sooner. I would be a better wife if I had dinner on the table by 5pm.

You get the idea. The list is endless, let me tell you.

However, over the years I have had some difficult lessons to learn with regard to this type of thinking. Life only grows harder with marriage and children. As these aspects of life have been added upon, I have been buried by all the things I woulda, coulda, shoulda. Gratefully, I've been able to find a great resource in counseling. Not all counselors are fabulous, mind you. But a couple of mine have been wonderful supports and learning resources. There is just something liberating about going to a one hour session and talking to someone who is trained to listen to and identify your thought patterns. They don't offer advice, they have helped me discover for myself how I think, where those thought patterns come from, and ways I can help myself. Then I can go home and never see them again until next time. It's nice!

Anyway, what I'm learning is that "should" needs to be removed from my vocabulary. I'm sure it's all semantics but for people like me it has a psychological effect called guilt. Instead of looking at all the things I should do or be, it is, in theory, better for me to see things that I need to do or want to do. Hold on, I'm thinking here. Maybe the should indicates a more passive, acted upon approach. To act on shoulds is out of obligation to someone or something else, another person, an expectation, etc. If I am thinking that I need to do something, I have taken responsibility for that action. Even more so if I perceive myself wanting to do or be something.

Maybe seeing things as wants or needs helps prioritize things as well. For example, I have scrapbooking stuff on a table in my room that is cluttering surfaces. It started out as a want but the longer it sits there, the more it becomes a should. I feel guilty that I'm not scrapbooking and getting it off my table into organized pages and books. That kind of defeats the purpose and fun of a hobby, eh? So, do I need to scrapbook? Not really. Do I want to scrapbook? Not right now, no. Looking at it this way removes the guilt of moving neither forward nor backward and helps me see clearly that putting it away is okay.

As for all those past regrets listed above, a lot of those have retreated into the background. Yes, I could have budgeted better in college but it's paid off now and I'm budgeting better now. Yes, I could have earned better grades but I wouldn't trade the lessons I learned or the experiences I had for anything. I wouldn't have had those lessons if I had done college differently. It would be nice to try school again though to see if I am more focused and motivated. I have learned to manage my time more effectively but I've also learned that I'm not the same type of productive powerhouse that many of my roommates were and are. I operate differently and that's okay. Well, to a certain degree I'm still working on feeling okay about that one. After dumping piano at 15 I took up a semester of lessons in college and really improved. Yes, I could be a lot better if I had practiced more in high school but I did try again and did better.

The closer I get to my current shoulds, the harder it is to write off as having dealt with them and moved on. I'm still working on the guilt I feel in how I handle my children. But more and more I'm pushing myself to find solutions instead of sitting around beating myself up then proceeding to repeat the same mistakes. I am also doing better at just saying, "Today wasn't a great day. We'll try again tomorrow," instead of stewing over my failure. The same goes for dinner. I don't beat myself up as much for not producing a prompt delicious three-course meal every night. I still feel guilty sometimes but I don't feel resistance from the should monster as much, especially when dinner is chicken nuggets or eggs and toast.

It's nice to think differently and see progress over time. Sometimes in the midst of the struggle life seems so hopeless and progress non-existent. But there are always the sun breaks and plateaus that help me to see how far I've come and a feeling that I can become the person I want to be.

One other lesson that I'm learning to apply is that I need to live in the present more. Think less on the past, which I love to do as an escape, stop daydreaming about the future, which also is a great escape, and live in the here and now. See my children in front of me, feel their warm hugs, hear their cute voices, appreciate their sweet personalities at this stage of their lives, and love them with my heart and body now. Same with my husband. Greet him when he comes home, look him in the eye, feel his skin on mine, appreciate the support he is providing right now, and love him with my heart and body now.

Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox now. These things do not come naturally to me so it is a big part of my life's work to improve in these areas and not because I should but because I need to and definitely want to.


Good stuff, huh? I think moms feeling guilt is a big one. I feel terrible when I make mistakes because I want to HELP my kids reach their potential. Some days it feels like maybe it went the other way. I also related to her reference of "productive powerhouse." Our roommates were and are AMAZING. Really, some of the neatest people I have ever known or will ever know. I have recognized (many times) that I'm really not a productive powerhouse (when I compare myself to others). But I'm okay with that now. I think we are all just different, and I don't think happiness in life is really about that "productiveness" that I admire in others. I've heard my mom say that the attitude of "there's always tomorrow" is a Duffin thing (her side of the family). My dad, on the other hand, is Mr. high energy. He is constantly GOING and never sits down. Strangely, since being more okay with that and not focusing on the woulda, coulda, shoulda, I feel like I have MORE ENERGY. More energy to love my family with and to do whatever it is that I want to do!! And to Mary..she is one of those great roommates that I admire :). She has a sweetness and a sparkle that is a rare thing. And her blog is so cool..it IS a PRODUCTIVE POWERHOUSE.

I haven't been good with taking pictures lately. And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it...HA! So, here is a Halloween picture that I never posted and I really want it on my blog record. The kids were super cute with the Peter Pan theme. Seth was Captain Hook, Jonah was Peter Pan, and Violet was Tinker Bell.


Jonah can't keep his eyes open for the camera flash.