Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda
Good evening! Let me step up on my soapbox of sorts for a few minutes. This phrase represents a very prevalent mindset for many people. However, since I am unqualified to speak for any more than myself, I will personalize it and you may do the same for yourself, if you wish.
Regret and guilt are too often the defining factors in my self respect and attitude toward life. I repeatedly and progressively feel the weight of all the things I should have done and should be doing if only; all the things I could have been or could be if only; and all the degrading justifications in the would have beens or would be if only. Some examples include, I shouldn't yell at my kids. I should be a better visiting teacher. I should make dinner. I could have been really good at the piano if I had practiced more. I would have gotten better grades if I had studied more and not played so much. I could have come out of college with less debt if I had practiced better financial restraint. I would be more productive if I got up sooner. I would be a better wife if I had dinner on the table by 5pm.
You get the idea. The list is endless, let me tell you.
However, over the years I have had some difficult lessons to learn with regard to this type of thinking. Life only grows harder with marriage and children. As these aspects of life have been added upon, I have been buried by all the things I woulda, coulda, shoulda. Gratefully, I've been able to find a great resource in counseling. Not all counselors are fabulous, mind you. But a couple of mine have been wonderful supports and learning resources. There is just something liberating about going to a one hour session and talking to someone who is trained to listen to and identify your thought patterns. They don't offer advice, they have helped me discover for myself how I think, where those thought patterns come from, and ways I can help myself. Then I can go home and never see them again until next time. It's nice!
Anyway, what I'm learning is that "should" needs to be removed from my vocabulary. I'm sure it's all semantics but for people like me it has a psychological effect called guilt. Instead of looking at all the things I should do or be, it is, in theory, better for me to see things that I need to do or want to do. Hold on, I'm thinking here. Maybe the should indicates a more passive, acted upon approach. To act on shoulds is out of obligation to someone or something else, another person, an expectation, etc. If I am thinking that I need to do something, I have taken responsibility for that action. Even more so if I perceive myself wanting to do or be something.
Maybe seeing things as wants or needs helps prioritize things as well. For example, I have scrapbooking stuff on a table in my room that is cluttering surfaces. It started out as a want but the longer it sits there, the more it becomes a should. I feel guilty that I'm not scrapbooking and getting it off my table into organized pages and books. That kind of defeats the purpose and fun of a hobby, eh? So, do I need to scrapbook? Not really. Do I want to scrapbook? Not right now, no. Looking at it this way removes the guilt of moving neither forward nor backward and helps me see clearly that putting it away is okay.
As for all those past regrets listed above, a lot of those have retreated into the background. Yes, I could have budgeted better in college but it's paid off now and I'm budgeting better now. Yes, I could have earned better grades but I wouldn't trade the lessons I learned or the experiences I had for anything. I wouldn't have had those lessons if I had done college differently. It would be nice to try school again though to see if I am more focused and motivated. I have learned to manage my time more effectively but I've also learned that I'm not the same type of productive powerhouse that many of my roommates were and are. I operate differently and that's okay. Well, to a certain degree I'm still working on feeling okay about that one. After dumping piano at 15 I took up a semester of lessons in college and really improved. Yes, I could be a lot better if I had practiced more in high school but I did try again and did better.
The closer I get to my current shoulds, the harder it is to write off as having dealt with them and moved on. I'm still working on the guilt I feel in how I handle my children. But more and more I'm pushing myself to find solutions instead of sitting around beating myself up then proceeding to repeat the same mistakes. I am also doing better at just saying, "Today wasn't a great day. We'll try again tomorrow," instead of stewing over my failure. The same goes for dinner. I don't beat myself up as much for not producing a prompt delicious three-course meal every night. I still feel guilty sometimes but I don't feel resistance from the should monster as much, especially when dinner is chicken nuggets or eggs and toast.
It's nice to think differently and see progress over time. Sometimes in the midst of the struggle life seems so hopeless and progress non-existent. But there are always the sun breaks and plateaus that help me to see how far I've come and a feeling that I can become the person I want to be.
One other lesson that I'm learning to apply is that I need to live in the present more. Think less on the past, which I love to do as an escape, stop daydreaming about the future, which also is a great escape, and live in the here and now. See my children in front of me, feel their warm hugs, hear their cute voices, appreciate their sweet personalities at this stage of their lives, and love them with my heart and body now. Same with my husband. Greet him when he comes home, look him in the eye, feel his skin on mine, appreciate the support he is providing right now, and love him with my heart and body now.
Okay, I'm getting off my soapbox now. These things do not come naturally to me so it is a big part of my life's work to improve in these areas and not because I should but because I need to and definitely want to.
Good stuff, huh? I think moms feeling guilt is a big one. I feel terrible when I make mistakes because I want to HELP my kids reach their potential. Some days it feels like maybe it went the other way. I also related to her reference of "productive powerhouse." Our roommates were and are AMAZING. Really, some of the neatest people I have ever known or will ever know. I have recognized (many times) that I'm really not a productive powerhouse (when I compare myself to others). But I'm okay with that now. I think we are all just different, and I don't think happiness in life is really about that "productiveness" that I admire in others. I've heard my mom say that the attitude of "there's always tomorrow" is a Duffin thing (her side of the family). My dad, on the other hand, is Mr. high energy. He is constantly GOING and never sits down. Strangely, since being more okay with that and not focusing on the woulda, coulda, shoulda, I feel like I have MORE ENERGY. More energy to love my family with and to do whatever it is that I want to do!! And to Mary..she is one of those great roommates that I admire :). She has a sweetness and a sparkle that is a rare thing. And her blog is so cool..it IS a PRODUCTIVE POWERHOUSE.
I haven't been good with taking pictures lately. And I'm trying not to feel guilty about it...HA! So, here is a Halloween picture that I never posted and I really want it on my blog record. The kids were super cute with the Peter Pan theme. Seth was Captain Hook, Jonah was Peter Pan, and Violet was Tinker Bell.
Jonah can't keep his eyes open for the camera flash.
